Death Note 1

So, it has been going on in my mind since quite some time. Every time I drive alone (without my son in tow,) a thought creeps in my mind, sending shivers through my spine. What if I crashed my car and died right there? My mind starts creating the bodily pain of seeing myself dead and make me cringe with emotions that one would feel to see someone dead. My already depressed mind would weave scenarios and wonder how life could be after death, not for me but for those who will be left after me. I would mourn for self, and more importantly on behalf of my child who loves me so dearly. I would cringe at the thought of not being brave enough to want to live for him. I would think about ways to die that may not involve crashing- damaging a car that my husband will need after my death, to take my son around (because it will be so expensive for him to afford child-care as well as getting a new car.) Also, I might just become a handicap and not die, which will be worse as I will be a bigger burden on my family and won’t be able to kill myself if I had to. And this depression won’t get any better in a more challenging situation like limited mobility. I would still be so expensive as my husband would need child-care as well as fix the damaged car. Plus, car insurance premiums will go higher too.

I have hundred stupid reasons to wish that I was dead and a handful of reasons to want to stay alive. I will come to them later (of course I am not going to make a list of hundred reasons for you to read! And, it is obvious that so far, those handful of reasons have been stronger than those hundred.)

Every time I think that I would be better off dead, I realise that I haven’t left any suicide note for my loved ones to read, for them to know why I did what I did. The last thing I would like to do is end my life and leave everyone with a series of questions that will never have answers (because I won’t be there.)

A friend committed suicide and apparently didn’t leave a suicide note. It still kills me and makes me sad, to not know why she decided to do what she did? What made her so upset to take her life and leave a child and a husband after her? I still go on her Facebook profile and wonder if I wrote something there, will she be able to read it, like ever? Can I ask her some questions? Will she feel helpless to be not able to answer the questions that the living people have been asking her? Did she have second thoughts about life, just before she lost her consciousness? We won’t know. And my mind would not cease asking questions.

So, coming back to the topic of a suicide note. At that time, I was not contemplating on committing a suicide, but only wishing that something happens to me and I die. That would be the easiest way of getting rid of life, which seems too tough and useless for the time being. But then that isn’t a suicide, isn’t it? It is just death. Hence, I decided to name it as ‘Death Note’. Just in case if I die today, then what will I want people in my life to know as my last words to them? That is what I plan to write. I know that feelings and emotions change, sometimes they change every minute. Hence, A ‘Death Note’ needs to be periodically updated. If you happen to be patient enough to read it and happen to know my loved ones, and just in case I die (doesn’t apply if someone kills me on purpose because I am not sure about my feelings about being forced to die when I am not ready,) then please let them know about my Death Notes. They might want to read it (Psycho me!) Hopefully after me, they would want to read something that I wrote (laughing sadly at self.)

Also, I want to include that, I nowhere want to offend terminally ill patients, people who want to live but have no way of saving their lives, or even disabled people. I feel for them, even though I am not in their situation. I can understand the pain of wanting to live but not able to. My mind is sane enough to understand that it is normal to want to live, and it is also sane enough to know that there is something wrong going on in my mind. I want to live too but my mind keeps convincing me otherwise.

Writing has been my saviour since my teenage years and hence I needed to write down how I feel, especially during this tough phase of my life where I am struggling to convince my mind to not be so stupid. So, everyone, who feels offended by what I write, please let me know and I might be able to convince you that I probably didn’t mean the way you understood it. Now the disclaimer is over and I shall go back to where I intended to be.

 The ‘Death Note’ I plan to write is going to be a series of notes/ letters that I might or might not publish on my blog (depends on the sensitive material it has.) Also, I don’t plan to fake anything. I know, I sometimes write funny but that may not mean that I must be feeling funny too. Ignore my contradictory statements (I know… I am being difficult. Others think the same.)

This is getting too long and I am not sure if you would like to continue to read my rantings in one continuous go, hence I will cut it short now and write the rest in ‘Death Note 2.’

Before I sign off, if I die or end up being stupid enough to kill myself, then do pass on this letter to my son (just tell my husband to take a print out.) He is just 4-years old and can’t read yet. When he grows up (like 18 years old or maybe at 50…) I would like my little boy to read how crazy his mom was. Till then, just let him know, that ‘I Love Him’ and ‘I am sorry that I couldn’t be strong enough to stand by his side in this beautiful life and I feel terrible about leaving him with one of the worst situations in life, of being motherless. Tell him that life is beautiful and her mother was an aberration.’

Please tell him that his Mommy is trying to be strong for him. I will keep trying to be there for him.

Let him know that he is the reason for keeping me strong so far.

Note: I have gathered a lot of courage to publish it on my blog and let myself be vulnerable in front of all the readers. It is not easy for a person to speak up, especially when it comes to their own mental health. We worry that someone might take us as unstable or laugh at us, or you know that social taboo that it is okay to let people know that I have cancer, but not how my mind feels.

I am scared too, but I want other people to know that they are not alone in thinking the way they think. That it is okay to not feel happy all the time. But, we do want to feel happy. It is okay to let people around you know how you feel. Maybe, you can get some help. Maybe by sharing, we might get a support system. Maybe we won’t be looked at as an aberration. I am just trying to give company and hopefully help myself in the process too.

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Author: vatsalasinha

An author, Doctor and a mother who struggles with learning mothering her preschooler, as he learns to be a child. In all a person exploring life, it's beauty and meaning as I try to keep my nose above water to survive challenging times and enjoy beautiful moments. I love to write about everything and anything, especially about feelings; your's, mine and anyone's. I recently published my first fiction and to me it's an achievement to be able to write with an insistent and clingy toddler screaming in my head for attention as I write and stare at my screen with sleep deprived eyes in those dark nights; with the melody of snores and music of perseverance ringing loud and making me keep going.

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