Yesterday, I tried my best to keep my tears at bay while I sniffed through my morning in the pretense of my allergies. But by afternoon, I could take it no more, and my mind started weaving some dangerous plans. Yes, I now had a plan. A plan to bleed myself while I would wait for my miseries to end, locked in my two-piece attached washroom. I wondered if I could go unnoticed for long enough to make my attempt successful. My head was bursting with a cocktail of emotions… But the most important one was helplessness. Those moments when I lose all the hope, I can see only one option as the best. The option of giving up in life seems to be the most instant way of getting relief from those gnawing thoughts in my mind. But then, that has never been me. I could never give up and had always felt pride in it. Then what happened now? I couldn’t believe myself and panicked at the thought of giving away my precious life so easily. My son came to me as usual with one of his many innocent stories to tell. While I heard him patiently, gulping my tears at the thought of not being able to hear him again. I wondered how much he would hate me for giving up in life. He was too young to understand and what example was I trying to set-up for him?
Then I texted my friend, a close friend since almost two decades, but separated by countries and time-zones. I knew she must be fast asleep and won’t check my message till it was my evening. But I had to blurt it out, and I told her about my strong urge to finish this life. I told her that I wanted to LIVE.
Just by typing it down and sending it as a message to someone I knew cares for me and would respond to it made me distracted from my extreme state of mind. And then again, I forced myself to get involved in something constructive. Every time I feel exasperated, I push myself to work harder. I break the train of depressing thoughts and push myself to the limits. If I would get tired and reached a stage where I felt that I couldn’t go on doing the task, I would tell myself, “I can do it. Don’t stop. I can do anything.”
And that is how diverted myself from doing anything extreme, once again. I can’t let hopelessness win.
The dear friend called up. I did give her a scare by not answering my phone for almost 45 minutes. My phone was in the locker while I took my son for his swim lessons. I felt terrible about bothering her at such an odd time of the day. I am glad that she never once conveyed that I caused her any kind of disturbance. She showed her concern and did give me some useful tips to combat such thoughts. We spoke for some time, and hopefully, I will not get that crazy for some time. Although I still feel low and the crying spells continue, but so far, I think I won’t kill myself in next few days. I promised her that I would try. And my little boy won’t like it if I am gone forever. I gave birth to him, and hence it is my responsibility to stay put for his sake. And for my mother’s and father’s sake, who have put their heart and soul into raising me. I don’t have rights to put these people into the extreme kind of misery.
I shall live, and I shall continue to fight.