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Why do I write?

Writing for me is a way of life that started long ago, even before my memory could store it to be recalled. A poem on a torn page of a notebook as a kid, gushing patriotism when on the brink of a war, blooming romance in teenage being hidden in secret diaries and gushing love for the new child; everything perfectly preserved on some moldy papers, to be revisited in back alleys of memory someday. Continue reading “Why do I write?”

And then it gets dark. Late in the night, a once #crowded food court is haunted by #empty chairs and #eerie corridors #darknight #chair #table #empty #lonely #night #blackandwhitephoto #intriguing #iamnotscared #silence #soundsgoodfeelsgood #yeg #edmonton #author

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When my city is so beautiful, where else would I spend my summers! #mustbeedmonton #edmonton #yeggers #yeg #rivervalley #emilymurphypark #downtown #skyscrapers #vs #nature #saskatchwen #river #summer #am_wandering #bluesky #bluewater #reflection #greenery #dontgoyetsummer

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The beautiful warm sun is shining bright on us. How much I will miss the summer, when it’s gone under the snow 😞 already dreading the winters and trying to soak in as much sun as possible ☀️ #dontcare #for #tan #sun #warms #myheart #lovesummer #allergies #dontcare #author #yeg #edmonton #india #mumbai #delhi #pune #author #amwriting #amediting #amquerying #pitchwars #amreading #greenbeauty

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I am still the same girl

I am still the same girl

Who would leave the world

To be by your side,

Once again.

 

I am still the same girl

Who wants to see that smile

Shining in your eyes,

Once again.

 

I am still the same girl

Who seeks your shoulder

To cry,

The one I never had.

 

I am still the same girl

Who seeks the comfort

Of those rough hands,

You stopped giving me

Time and again.

 

I am still the same girl

Who demands attention

From only you,

Once again.

 

I am still the same girl

Who wishes to get old

With only you,

Time and again.

 

I am still the same girl

Who used to smile and jump

At your thought.

And I still do the same,

But only secretly now.

 

I am still the same girl

Who wishes for simple things.

Who lost everything.

Who used to fight to be herself.

Who has changed a lot.

Who cries every day.

Who is lonely all the time.

Who chose this life.

I am still the same girl,

Waiting for you!

 

Death Note 4

Death Note 3

Death Note 2

Death Note 1

Death Note 4

I woke up in the morning, with the same dreaded feeling of doom. Pulled myself to feed my little boy and feed myself too. Pushing myself to eat healthily, I told myself to not give up to the urge of having that decadent piece of leftover chocolate cake that I had been having, ruining all the benefits of my work outs. Thoughts of I would better be dead, lingered around my mind. I fought them fiercely. I cringed at the thought of letting my son grow motherless. I told myself to be ashamed. I have a lot in life that many don’t have, and instead of being thankful, I have been sulking for something that shouldn’t really matter. But then, what do you do when your mind keeps feeding you with constant thoughts of pessimism. Nope, I hate to stay with those thoughts and feelings that they bring to me. I suffer physically. I can hear my heart thumping harder, as if I had a hungry lion in front of me, waiting to pounce on me. I feel like throwing up. I feel like sitting at one place and never get up. I feel like getting invisible to the world and myself.

But I always get up. I always tell myself that those feelings are wrong. I always push myself to feel thankful. I force myself to cook some days (cooking is one of my hobbies, by the way.) I tell myself to eat or else I could get too sick to care for my son (no, I am not skinny.) I try to read something positive. I write if I could. But most of all, I try to keep the hope for the better days keep flowing.

I stared at my puffy face in the mirror. It screamed at my ugly face. I told myself to change my PJs and get some fresh vibes in my life.

I reluctantly took my shower, washed my hair with a lot of lather. Dressed up a little (I had nowhere to go,) blow dried my hair for a change. They didn’t look bad. I was surprised to see in the mirror. My hair looked good enough. I dabbed a little pink gloss on my lips and forced a smile. I didn’t look bad for my age, in that mirror. For once, I wondered if my new house had those fake mirrors that show you like a few pounds thinner, your skin brighter, etc. Then I decided to believe that may be what I saw was the truth. I was hoping to feel better by making myself look pretty. I didn’t feel elated. But I did feel that at least something wasn’t as bad as I felt. I felt that I had some potential. I pushed on with the day. Trying to make my days better, trying to eliminate all obvious causes of feeling miserable… Like no food, no money, I look ugly, I hate this body, I am so lonely, there is no one to talk to, feeling sorry for my boy to have a mom like me, being useless, not contributing financially, not able to follow my passion, not being able to be myself, feeling suffocated… And the list goes on. I must slowly and steadily, try to eliminate all these reasons, and then see how I feel. It is a journey that I have to finish, contemplating about my thoughts at every milestone reached, and in the end, if I survive, I must find if I feel any better, useful and content. I don’t seek happiness per se… But I need to feel that all the hardships haven’t gone futile. If I could say one day that it was all worth it…Might save me.

Death Note 3

Death Note 2

Death Note 1

 

Death Note 3

Yesterday, I tried my best to keep my tears at bay while I sniffed through my morning in the pretense of my allergies. But by afternoon, I could take it no more, and my mind started weaving some dangerous plans. Yes, I now had a plan. A plan to bleed myself while I would wait for my miseries to end, locked in my two-piece attached washroom. I wondered if I could go unnoticed for long enough to make my attempt successful. My head was bursting with a cocktail of emotions… But the most important one was helplessness. Those moments when I lose all the hope, I can see only one option as the best. The option of giving up in life seems to be the most instant way of getting relief from those gnawing thoughts in my mind. But then, that has never been me. I could never give up and had always felt pride in it. Then what happened now? I couldn’t believe myself and panicked at the thought of giving away my precious life so easily. My son came to me as usual with one of his many innocent stories to tell. While I heard him patiently, gulping my tears at the thought of not being able to hear him again. I wondered how much he would hate me for giving up in life. He was too young to understand and what example was I trying to set-up for him?

Then I texted my friend, a close friend since almost two decades, but separated by countries and time-zones. I knew she must be fast asleep and won’t check my message till it was my evening. But I had to blurt it out, and I told her about my strong urge to finish this life. I told her that I wanted to LIVE.

Just by typing it down and sending it as a message to someone I knew cares for me and would respond to it made me distracted from my extreme state of mind. And then again, I forced myself to get involved in something constructive. Every time I feel exasperated, I push myself to work harder. I break the train of depressing thoughts and push myself to the limits. If I would get tired and reached a stage where I felt that I couldn’t go on doing the task, I would tell myself, “I can do it. Don’t stop. I can do anything.”

And that is how diverted myself from doing anything extreme, once again. I can’t let hopelessness win.

The dear friend called up. I did give her a scare by not answering my phone for almost 45 minutes. My phone was in the locker while I took my son for his swim lessons. I felt terrible about bothering her at such an odd time of the day. I am glad that she never once conveyed that I caused her any kind of disturbance. She showed her concern and did give me some useful tips to combat such thoughts. We spoke for some time, and hopefully, I will not get that crazy for some time. Although I still feel low and the crying spells continue, but so far, I think I won’t kill myself in next few days. I promised her that I would try. And my little boy won’t like it if I am gone forever. I gave birth to him, and hence it is my responsibility to stay put for his sake. And for my mother’s and father’s sake, who have put their heart and soul into raising me. I don’t have rights to put these people into the extreme kind of misery.

I shall live, and I shall continue to fight.

Death Note 4

Death Note 2

Death Note 1