The other day I was going through those super cute clothes my son received from his uncle. I picked up each shirt and imagined my handsome boy in them. I knew he would look adorable in every shirt he had received. And then, a thought fleeted through my mind. My mind told me that I might not be there for long to see him in those clothes. Of course, because it’s been telling me that I would be better off gone…death seems like a better alternative. Tears poured as I controlled my emotions because I want to see my son wearing those shirts and that big goofy grin he likes to carry around. I don’t want to miss all those happy moments. I felt sad for being bad to my son. He doesn’t deserve a coward mother like me, hence I need to live. I tried to convince my mind, that it’s too early for me to die.
But my mind seems to have stuck on the thought. It’s preparing me and I am continually mourning for self and for people I am going to hurt in the process.
So, I decided that every time I felt that I should die, I would start a task to divert my mind. I will put my sorrows, anger, frustration, and mourning in the task. Hence, I stepped out in the hot sunny day and started digging a patch of dirt in our new home’s backyard. It used to be a vegetable garden in the past but since we moved in, it is just a big patch full of lush green weeds. It is threatening to take over everything around it and makes my new backyard look so unsightly. So, I have decided to change it. I am not sure what I will do, whether grow new grass there or make a nice patio, but I will make something there. Hence, I started digging and tilling. One by one, uprooting each and every weed, tracing their roots and trying to pluck everything I could. I used as much force I could with my garden hoe and till as much dirt as I could. It was hot and I was dehydrated, joints of my thumb started hurting and my ever-sore hip started giving up. I noticed a few blisters in my palm (it was too hot to wear the gardening gloves.) But I knew that I couldn’t stop because if I stopped that physically challenging task, then my mind will take over and give me other kinds of challenges to fight to.
So, I continued to uproot the weeds while my mind continued to fight with me. I kept telling myself that I can’t give up, not now, never. I didn’t give up that day, I kept digging and my mind kept fighting.
Since then, I have decided to divert my negative emotions towards something constructive, like gardening, carpentry, painting or writing. So far, I have managed to survive and fight against my own mind and hopefully, I will be able to continue to do that. Thoughts still shroud my mind and I cry out of helplessness. But it’s a fight that I need to win.
Just in case if I lose this fight, I want my son to know that his mother tried.
And to my husband, “I love you, but when we can’t say that to each other anymore in our life, it gets too much of a burden to carry on.”
To my Mummy, Papa, and Sister, “I love you all but I am sorry. I have wasted all your hard work by ending my life. I know you will miss me and I will miss you too.”