But the sleep didn’t come.

With my eyes closed,

I coursed through the deep night.

Wondering if it was sleep or

I dreamt with sleepless excitement.

I twisted and twirled,

Tossed all night while I lay.

I forced and I cursed,

Some cajoling didn’t help.

I waited and flipped,

Turned and curled,

But the sleep didn’t come.

Oh, the sweet sleep,

how much I care,

To be wrapped in your arms

And rest for the night.

But as deceptive as you were,

You decided to run away.

But the sleep didn’t come.

Continue reading “But the sleep didn’t come.”

Being a headstrong woman…

“Since I am married, middle aged and a mother, doesn’t mean that I will stop being headstrong. I was never meant to be tamed to lose my confidence and strength.”

Yes I am a woman, with fire in my head and love in my heart. (I know heart only pumps blood, but this one means the emotional compartment of the human brain 😉 )

Suddenly, now when I find myself married, a mother and almost few decades past my teenage years, I am often considered docile, too regular and not so interesting. No, I was never taken that way earlier but was only considered rebellious, head strong and confident. Straight forwardness from my mouth hurt many but brought many special friends closer too. Those were the days of standing up, being loud, making sure that I am being heard and working harder at studies and work. Those were the days that would come from the dreams of a woman liberated. A dream come true for many girls and often boys to live a life where emotions, principles and ideals took the driver’s seat.

But now, that I willingly chose a life of love, comfort, monotony and care; my life doesn’t seem that interesting. Many of the people, known and unknown would consider me as any random woman who decided to live a regular life. But mind you, has anyone ever thought how much courage and determination it takes to knowingly chose something that is obviously less appealing than your current life? Leaving a high flying career, cleaning poop filled diapers, entertaining that little bundle of horror (I meant joy), not dressing up and putting any makeup for days, leaving financial independence (hopefully temporarily), choosing not to leave my child in day care and bear with that child all day! Is that an easy job at all? I sometimes wonder about how did I end up choosing this for myself ? I miss that life, where other’s thought I was something, I had money, life was fancy, I lived in great hotels, partied often and had much more fun (things that are considered fun by most of the people of that young age)  than now where I live at home all day, drive around my little one, worry about his food, sleep, potty and get bored in the parented classes with the lack of any intellectual talks. Some days I wonder if I should just decide to let everything go in dump and get back to my life that I left behind.

But that is not me! If I leave my mission in the middle then it is just not me. I was and I am head strong. I was and I am confident about my decisions. I was right as a working woman who defied most of the societal rules and I am correct in doing the most monotonous and mentally numbing job for my mental aptitude of being a stay at home mother (though it is highly mentally challenging and requires the kind of patience I never needed before.) And mind you, it is not at all an easy job! It makes me crazy in ways that I had never been before, not even during my med school exams or anytime during my hectic job. But it is my project and I have to complete it; just the way I had planned it to. I know, I know…that it never goes how you plan but at least it goes somewhere close to the plan!

So to the people who have started thinking of me as a docile, imbecile, middle aged woman with mushy brains who crushed her obviously glorious life for something not so great…let me tell them, I was a fierce, headstrong and confident woman and I am still one; and that is the only reason that I stand strong and stubborn right now in the middle of a regular life, to prove that I can do it! It is so tough that I want to give up often but I know I can and I will do it with flying colours. That is how I was, I am and I will be.

“I can’t be tamed…and I will never be tamed”

To all the women… working for money, working for free, dreaming to earn, don’t ever want to earn, only breadwinners, single mothers, not mothers, married, unmarried, wannabe women; to all the crazy, confident, fierce and headstrong women… keep doing what you are doing and stay like that because this is what makes you special!  Lots of hugs…Lots of courage…

Preview of my latest book… ‘A Witch’s Love Story’