I am still the same girl

I am still the same girl

Who would leave the world

To be by your side,

Once again.

 

I am still the same girl

Who wants to see that smile

Shining in your eyes,

Once again.

 

I am still the same girl

Who seeks your shoulder

To cry,

The one I never had.

 

I am still the same girl

Who seeks the comfort

Of those rough hands,

You stopped giving me

Time and again.

 

I am still the same girl

Who demands attention

From only you,

Once again.

 

I am still the same girl

Who wishes to get old

With only you,

Time and again.

 

I am still the same girl

Who used to smile and jump

At your thought.

And I still do the same,

But only secretly now.

 

I am still the same girl

Who wishes for simple things.

Who lost everything.

Who used to fight to be herself.

Who has changed a lot.

Who cries every day.

Who is lonely all the time.

Who chose this life.

I am still the same girl,

Waiting for you!

 

Death Note 4

Death Note 3

Death Note 2

Death Note 1

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Death Note 3

Yesterday, I tried my best to keep my tears at bay while I sniffed through my morning in the pretense of my allergies. But by afternoon, I could take it no more, and my mind started weaving some dangerous plans. Yes, I now had a plan. A plan to bleed myself while I would wait for my miseries to end, locked in my two-piece attached washroom. I wondered if I could go unnoticed for long enough to make my attempt successful. My head was bursting with a cocktail of emotions… But the most important one was helplessness. Those moments when I lose all the hope, I can see only one option as the best. The option of giving up in life seems to be the most instant way of getting relief from those gnawing thoughts in my mind. But then, that has never been me. I could never give up and had always felt pride in it. Then what happened now? I couldn’t believe myself and panicked at the thought of giving away my precious life so easily. My son came to me as usual with one of his many innocent stories to tell. While I heard him patiently, gulping my tears at the thought of not being able to hear him again. I wondered how much he would hate me for giving up in life. He was too young to understand and what example was I trying to set-up for him?

Then I texted my friend, a close friend since almost two decades, but separated by countries and time-zones. I knew she must be fast asleep and won’t check my message till it was my evening. But I had to blurt it out, and I told her about my strong urge to finish this life. I told her that I wanted to LIVE.

Just by typing it down and sending it as a message to someone I knew cares for me and would respond to it made me distracted from my extreme state of mind. And then again, I forced myself to get involved in something constructive. Every time I feel exasperated, I push myself to work harder. I break the train of depressing thoughts and push myself to the limits. If I would get tired and reached a stage where I felt that I couldn’t go on doing the task, I would tell myself, “I can do it. Don’t stop. I can do anything.”

And that is how diverted myself from doing anything extreme, once again. I can’t let hopelessness win.

The dear friend called up. I did give her a scare by not answering my phone for almost 45 minutes. My phone was in the locker while I took my son for his swim lessons. I felt terrible about bothering her at such an odd time of the day. I am glad that she never once conveyed that I caused her any kind of disturbance. She showed her concern and did give me some useful tips to combat such thoughts. We spoke for some time, and hopefully, I will not get that crazy for some time. Although I still feel low and the crying spells continue, but so far, I think I won’t kill myself in next few days. I promised her that I would try. And my little boy won’t like it if I am gone forever. I gave birth to him, and hence it is my responsibility to stay put for his sake. And for my mother’s and father’s sake, who have put their heart and soul into raising me. I don’t have rights to put these people into the extreme kind of misery.

I shall live, and I shall continue to fight.

Death Note 4

Death Note 2

Death Note 1

 

You Are Someone’s World :)

Came across some positive quotes on #edmonton #highlevelbridge and this one made me stop. It is so important to tell this to a person with #suicidalthoughts ‘You are someone’s world’ I loved being there and read those quotes that can make a momentary change of mind. It can matter a lot when someone needs to hear them.

For some reason, this feels so close to my heart. I recall all the young lives I knew, vibrant and jovial, eventually lost to the excruciating pain that depression can bring. If only, there was someone there to tell them and remind them, that ‘They are someone’s world!’  Maybe they would have been alive and relieved to find more happiness in life. I can only wish now about what didn’t happen. But I can always remind everyone to be mindful of people around you. Maybe they need to be told exactly this to avert a disaster in their lives. Please think about it.
A few lines from me when life acts up with me…
“When life kicks you, you can either kick it back or kick yourself.
Often, I work harder to hit the life back but sometimes I lay in a heap of defeat, mustering the courage to wind-back in resilience.
Keep fighting till you can, keep holding always, AS YOU CAN.
It’s not wrong to hang your head down in defeat at times,
But do stand-up again when you can!”
#yeg #positivevibes #positivequotes say NO to #suicide #needsomeone #totellyou#youaremyworld #someone #lovesyou#waitsforyou #worries #mustbeedmonton#staymotivated #stopandthink#dontkillyourself #mentalhealth#awareness #lifeisbeautiful #precious#quotes #pinkshoes #shoesarethesame#am_wandering #author #trying #to#staypositive

As I continue my wanderings in my comfy shoes, I continue to share my physical and mental wanderings and ponderings, on Instagram and on my blog. Currently, the shoes remain the same and shall change when it’s too cold to wear them and when they eventually get worn off, to be replaced by another pair of comfy shoes to accompany me in my wanderings.

Death Note 1

So, it has been going on in my mind since quite some time. Every time I drive alone (without my son in tow,) a thought creeps in my mind, sending shivers through my spine. What if I crashed my car and died right there? My mind starts creating the bodily pain of seeing myself dead and make me cringe with emotions that one would feel to see someone dead. My already depressed mind would weave scenarios and wonder how life could be after death, not for me but for those who will be left after me. I would mourn for self, and more importantly on behalf of my child who loves me so dearly. I would cringe at the thought of not being brave enough to want to live for him. I would think about ways to die that may not involve crashing- damaging a car that my husband will need after my death, to take my son around (because it will be so expensive for him to afford child-care as well as getting a new car.) Also, I might just become a handicap and not die, which will be worse as I will be a bigger burden on my family and won’t be able to kill myself if I had to. And this depression won’t get any better in a more challenging situation like limited mobility. I would still be so expensive as my husband would need child-care as well as fix the damaged car. Plus, car insurance premiums will go higher too.

I have hundred stupid reasons to wish that I was dead and a handful of reasons to want to stay alive. I will come to them later (of course I am not going to make a list of hundred reasons for you to read! And, it is obvious that so far, those handful of reasons have been stronger than those hundred.)

Every time I think that I would be better off dead, I realise that I haven’t left any suicide note for my loved ones to read, for them to know why I did what I did. The last thing I would like to do is end my life and leave everyone with a series of questions that will never have answers (because I won’t be there.)

A friend committed suicide and apparently didn’t leave a suicide note. It still kills me and makes me sad, to not know why she decided to do what she did? What made her so upset to take her life and leave a child and a husband after her? I still go on her Facebook profile and wonder if I wrote something there, will she be able to read it, like ever? Can I ask her some questions? Will she feel helpless to be not able to answer the questions that the living people have been asking her? Did she have second thoughts about life, just before she lost her consciousness? We won’t know. And my mind would not cease asking questions.

So, coming back to the topic of a suicide note. At that time, I was not contemplating on committing a suicide, but only wishing that something happens to me and I die. That would be the easiest way of getting rid of life, which seems too tough and useless for the time being. But then that isn’t a suicide, isn’t it? It is just death. Hence, I decided to name it as ‘Death Note’. Just in case if I die today, then what will I want people in my life to know as my last words to them? That is what I plan to write. I know that feelings and emotions change, sometimes they change every minute. Hence, A ‘Death Note’ needs to be periodically updated. If you happen to be patient enough to read it and happen to know my loved ones, and just in case I die (doesn’t apply if someone kills me on purpose because I am not sure about my feelings about being forced to die when I am not ready,) then please let them know about my Death Notes. They might want to read it (Psycho me!) Hopefully after me, they would want to read something that I wrote (laughing sadly at self.)

Also, I want to include that, I nowhere want to offend terminally ill patients, people who want to live but have no way of saving their lives, or even disabled people. I feel for them, even though I am not in their situation. I can understand the pain of wanting to live but not able to. My mind is sane enough to understand that it is normal to want to live, and it is also sane enough to know that there is something wrong going on in my mind. I want to live too but my mind keeps convincing me otherwise.

Writing has been my saviour since my teenage years and hence I needed to write down how I feel, especially during this tough phase of my life where I am struggling to convince my mind to not be so stupid. So, everyone, who feels offended by what I write, please let me know and I might be able to convince you that I probably didn’t mean the way you understood it. Now the disclaimer is over and I shall go back to where I intended to be.

 The ‘Death Note’ I plan to write is going to be a series of notes/ letters that I might or might not publish on my blog (depends on the sensitive material it has.) Also, I don’t plan to fake anything. I know, I sometimes write funny but that may not mean that I must be feeling funny too. Ignore my contradictory statements (I know… I am being difficult. Others think the same.)

This is getting too long and I am not sure if you would like to continue to read my rantings in one continuous go, hence I will cut it short now and write the rest in ‘Death Note 2.’

Before I sign off, if I die or end up being stupid enough to kill myself, then do pass on this letter to my son (just tell my husband to take a print out.) He is just 4-years old and can’t read yet. When he grows up (like 18 years old or maybe at 50…) I would like my little boy to read how crazy his mom was. Till then, just let him know, that ‘I Love Him’ and ‘I am sorry that I couldn’t be strong enough to stand by his side in this beautiful life and I feel terrible about leaving him with one of the worst situations in life, of being motherless. Tell him that life is beautiful and her mother was an aberration.’

Please tell him that his Mommy is trying to be strong for him. I will keep trying to be there for him.

Let him know that he is the reason for keeping me strong so far.

Note: I have gathered a lot of courage to publish it on my blog and let myself be vulnerable in front of all the readers. It is not easy for a person to speak up, especially when it comes to their own mental health. We worry that someone might take us as unstable or laugh at us, or you know that social taboo that it is okay to let people know that I have cancer, but not how my mind feels.

I am scared too, but I want other people to know that they are not alone in thinking the way they think. That it is okay to not feel happy all the time. But, we do want to feel happy. It is okay to let people around you know how you feel. Maybe, you can get some help. Maybe by sharing, we might get a support system. Maybe we won’t be looked at as an aberration. I am just trying to give company and hopefully help myself in the process too.

Being a headstrong woman…

“Since I am married, middle aged and a mother, doesn’t mean that I will stop being headstrong. I was never meant to be tamed to lose my confidence and strength.”

Yes I am a woman, with fire in my head and love in my heart. (I know heart only pumps blood, but this one means the emotional compartment of the human brain 😉 )

Suddenly, now when I find myself married, a mother and almost few decades past my teenage years, I am often considered docile, too regular and not so interesting. No, I was never taken that way earlier but was only considered rebellious, head strong and confident. Straight forwardness from my mouth hurt many but brought many special friends closer too. Those were the days of standing up, being loud, making sure that I am being heard and working harder at studies and work. Those were the days that would come from the dreams of a woman liberated. A dream come true for many girls and often boys to live a life where emotions, principles and ideals took the driver’s seat.

But now, that I willingly chose a life of love, comfort, monotony and care; my life doesn’t seem that interesting. Many of the people, known and unknown would consider me as any random woman who decided to live a regular life. But mind you, has anyone ever thought how much courage and determination it takes to knowingly chose something that is obviously less appealing than your current life? Leaving a high flying career, cleaning poop filled diapers, entertaining that little bundle of horror (I meant joy), not dressing up and putting any makeup for days, leaving financial independence (hopefully temporarily), choosing not to leave my child in day care and bear with that child all day! Is that an easy job at all? I sometimes wonder about how did I end up choosing this for myself ? I miss that life, where other’s thought I was something, I had money, life was fancy, I lived in great hotels, partied often and had much more fun (things that are considered fun by most of the people of that young age)  than now where I live at home all day, drive around my little one, worry about his food, sleep, potty and get bored in the parented classes with the lack of any intellectual talks. Some days I wonder if I should just decide to let everything go in dump and get back to my life that I left behind.

But that is not me! If I leave my mission in the middle then it is just not me. I was and I am head strong. I was and I am confident about my decisions. I was right as a working woman who defied most of the societal rules and I am correct in doing the most monotonous and mentally numbing job for my mental aptitude of being a stay at home mother (though it is highly mentally challenging and requires the kind of patience I never needed before.) And mind you, it is not at all an easy job! It makes me crazy in ways that I had never been before, not even during my med school exams or anytime during my hectic job. But it is my project and I have to complete it; just the way I had planned it to. I know, I know…that it never goes how you plan but at least it goes somewhere close to the plan!

So to the people who have started thinking of me as a docile, imbecile, middle aged woman with mushy brains who crushed her obviously glorious life for something not so great…let me tell them, I was a fierce, headstrong and confident woman and I am still one; and that is the only reason that I stand strong and stubborn right now in the middle of a regular life, to prove that I can do it! It is so tough that I want to give up often but I know I can and I will do it with flying colours. That is how I was, I am and I will be.

“I can’t be tamed…and I will never be tamed”

To all the women… working for money, working for free, dreaming to earn, don’t ever want to earn, only breadwinners, single mothers, not mothers, married, unmarried, wannabe women; to all the crazy, confident, fierce and headstrong women… keep doing what you are doing and stay like that because this is what makes you special!  Lots of hugs…Lots of courage…

Preview of my latest book… ‘A Witch’s Love Story’

 

Napkin Love

Missing you is a miserable job

In a crowd of many

It’s like my soul is gone.

I have no Idea

If it’s love or habit

But being by your side

Is a comfort like never.

No it’s not the gifts

Nor the chores you do.

No word is spoken

But thousands are understood.

The air is light

Fresh and bright

Even when you just sit on the couch.

No touch is made

But the glances sooth.

Now my chest is heavy

And air so dense.

It’s been only a few hours

But a day is too long

To not have you

In the same room

Even when you are always

Residing in my heart.

I don’t know if it’s love or habit

But let the longings last

For life, till it ends.

I am glad I could find a pen in my bag to scribble the rapidly flowing words from my mind on the paper napkin; as I tried to keep my little guy sane with my phone as he waited for food. My phone is my notepad but today I had to get back to an old habit of scribbling on paper napkins…and I loved it! 

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Anniversary Special

Never forget that I do see

Your small and big ways

That you care.

But I am sorry that I am loud

Only when you miss a small detail.

I wish I was louder

to show you the big things

I see you do and have been doing.

You are special in every way

You leave for a day

And my day sucks all day.

Isn’t that enough for you to know?

I can kick you everyday

But can’t leave you for a single day!

Isn’t that enough for you to know?

So we just turned six and I dedicate this one to my husband 🙂  

Six years ago we promised each other that we will stay together in good and bad…. and so far we have managed to keep our promises 😉 To celebrate this day and to let my dear husband know, how special he is for me… I jotted down a few lines. This one is just one of them. I hope he reads it or else I will make sure he reads it…hehe